Don't be scared Okay
[ Knocks on door ] I have an appointment Girls, a bra that fits is the single greatest gift that one woman can give another And if I see either of you two girls wearing one of those napkins by Victoria's Secrets, I will personally come and murder you -Booba! [ Laughs ] -Hey! Look what I brought you — fresh virgin breast meat [ Chuckles ] I think I know that I'm a 32C, so
[ Laughter ] You have no idea what you are! Ah, yes, classic baumgarten shape on these Woman: Uh-huh Same inverted nipple on the right breast? Of course! She's my little girl
So let's get started Bring out the measuring rod! Okay! [ Laughs ] You have a lump It is benign Okay, I have to take two bras and sew together because your breasts are very different sizes Almost as if they were unrelated, hm? ♪♪ You're are
28KKK Oof Just call it an L
♪♪ -Ooh! -Oh, yes! [ Laughter ] I feel like I'm not gonna be able to fit my shirt over this Did you insert a back brace without telling me? They are absolute perfection Now, what's the damage? Two bras comes to $533 -Holy — expensive -Fuck you
Well, you talk about price-per-wear, we're talking nickels, okay? Let's ring it up I'm sorry, ladies Okay It's wonderful work Wonderful
I kind of like mine ♪ 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 ♪ ♪♪ [ Humming ] How'd you sleep? Not well You snore like a demon No, I don't! Yeah, you do No
Yes, you do Look at this You filmed it? [ Snoring loudly ] Look at that I sound ill Yeah, it was very scary, but then after a while, it was kind of cute
That's cute Come here Thank you! That's so cute! [ Cooing ] [ Light bulb pops ] Oh, I have been waiting to replace this, put in an energy-efficient bulb, but I had to wait till it was for-real dead, 'cause if I threw it out while it was perfectly good, that would be so wasteful, you know? My eco-warrior princess — energy-efficient bulbs, not showering I'm loving that lady musk I just showered
[ Chuckles ] You're mean [ Laughs ] Wow Get it Oh, my God Do you know what this is? No
It's a Fruit by the Foot wrapper Okay GoodGaga I can't believe this day Once upon a time long ago, didn't know ya, I was hard-core hooking up with this very hot, very old dot-com douche named Brad TMI, right? Hate him, loathe him, grossed out by him now, you know? Yeah Now I'm like
[ Shudders ] Thank you for that But I gave him this Waka Flocka Flame ticket, and in order to pay me back, he gave me a third of Bitcoin And this Fruit by the Foot wrapper, gnarly as it may be, is my ticket to that third of Bitcoin
This is the, like, key, and the password is "Brad has it" No
Brad has the — Brad has the password Shit [ Horn honks ] [ Door slams ] [ Electricity crackling ] [ Rats squeak ] [ Phone vibrates ] Hey, dude Baby, listen up I just found the info for my Bitcoin, which reminded me, I have a Bitcoin
Wow, so what are you gonna do? Like, pay off your student loans or something? Sha! Don't think so, Abb This Bitcoin money is not for loans or debt, not rent nor weed or healthcare or any other stupid thing This money is to get my wiz-ness — woman-owned business — up and running Oh, you mean Phone Wigs? I'm using mine right now Ah
Yeah! I'm gonna submit a patent as soon as I cash out my third of a Bitcoin Want to come with? Um, I'd love to, but it's my, uh — it's my day off, uh, and so it's laundry day, and it looks like I got to clean the washer, and — No, no! Are you in that dank dungeon that they literally illegally claim to be a laundry room? You have a job Drop that shit off It just feels so extravagant to drop off laundry We're businesswomen, Abb
Time is money I mean, I guess it would be really dope to have some creative and personal time Okay Yay! Yay! Wiz-ness! ♪♪ [ Door rattles ] ♪♪ [ Exhales sharply ] ♪♪ Hello I'd like to drop this stuff off for fluff and fold, and I'm gonna use that time to enrich my life
Okay Great Oh, you know what? I'm gonna put this in there, too Thank you [ Exhales sharply ] I'm doing it
[ Clears throat ] So, it's Abbi with an "I" Ibbi Uh, no, it's actually just Abbi I like that less You can pick it up in an hour
Wow, an hour That's fabulous Cool So, they call it cryptocurrency 'cause it's so damn cryptic Nobody really gets it
Wait, where are you going? I'm stepping out to give you privacy Stay I-I feel like we have a good vibe Oh, okay, all right Okay, great
Thank you So ♪ Ahhh ♪ [ Chuckles ] You know what I mean? It's like all my favorite memories in one place
Ugh, Dongs Okay, so, I got to get this burner phone 'cause I used to hook up with this hot, rich, older, douchey dude who's now a Bitcoin broker, and his info is on one of these Well, his dick pic is, so if I find the dick, I find his number Ah, here it is Oh, my God, look
Do you want to see his dick? No Do you want to see my Phone Wigs? No, no Anyway, so, I found the Bitcoin code in a ceiling lamp of all places [ Egg timer ticks ] ♪♪ [ Slurps ] Ahh ♪♪ ♪ I want to play you one more time ♪ ♪♪ [ Egg timer dings ] [ Sighs ] Hi
It's me again Here you go I'm getting a lot done A lot of work stuff, you know I'm really productive
Wow, this is it, huh? I'm just gonna check it out Why not, right? Check out your handiwork Oh, my goodness You got this grease stain out I sat on a funnel cake
Such a waste Let's see if that hoodie string stayed in the hole, right? That's the trickiest part Okay, I just don't see my All right, uh, I'm sorry T-The sweatshirt's not in the bag It's — Okay, I'll show you a picture of the sweatshirt Okay, this is my favorite sweatshirt It's this sweatshirt
Do you have an itemized list of what was washed? No list We throw all the clothes for the day in a bucket with everyone else's stuff, and then we sort them out by memory I'm sorry We're not responsible Wait, what? Y-You can't just lose people's stuff and then claim no responsibility
Well, I did not see that This is easy to miss How did I miss that? Okay, what happens when someone's clothes go missing? They never see them again Okay, okay, it probably got put in the wrong bag, right? What if you showed me a list of your other clients that came in today? I could call them all myself I cannot do that
We have patient/client privilege Huh ♪♪ [ Chuckles ] [ Laughing ] ♪♪ [ Thumps ] Ow [ Horn honks ] Hey, uh, excuse me, sir Um, have you seen this sweatshirt? Okay, that's fine
Oh, my God Oh, my God Yes! Ow! What the hell? Oh, no, no, no I-I'm so sorry I'm looking for my favorite sweatshirt
The laundromat just lost it I-It's very important to me I lost my virginity in it You get it In it? Well, like, it was a — It was — it was quick, and
[ Sighs ] My sweatshirt My sweatshirt [ Techno music plays ] Hello I need to dress for the job that I want — no, have — which is newly minted Bitcoin queen I want a look that says, "I am the Internet I am the Matrix
I am the future, and the future is female As well as paperless" ♪♪ I've been waiting for this since 1999 Give me a spin ♪♪ Oh, yeah
It'll fit ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Missing sweatshirt Thanks so much Check it Oh, here you go
Missing sweatshirt Great Okay ♪♪ Missing sweatshirt There's a blue sweatshirt
♪♪ ♪ Uhh ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Yeah, check out my energy ♪ ♪ Either you with us or you the enemy ♪ ♪ They try to kill you but they can't catch you, see ♪ ♪ The way that we living, there ain't no in between ♪ ♪ Uhh, change hands for the layman ♪ ♪ I was born into mayhem ♪ ♪ Say when, I'ma come right back with they hands ♪ ♪ Eyes bloody red, better play dead ♪ ♪ Shots taken, always hungry when you cut deep ♪ ♪ Streets get dirty when you can't see ♪ ♪ Ain't a thing in this world that can haunt me ♪ ♪ I'm already brain dead, I'm a zombie ♪ ♪ Shots, getting hungry when you cut deep ♪ ♪ Streets get dirty when you can't see ♪ ♪ Ain't a thing in this world that can haunt me ♪ ♪ Brain dead, I'm a zombie ♪ ♪ Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie ♪ ♪ Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie ♪ ♪ Ain't a thing in this world that can haunt me ♪ ♪ Brain dead, I'm a zombie ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Leather squeaks ] [ Indistinct conversations continue ] [ Clears throat ] ♪♪ Ilana Wexler, you haven't changed a bit ♪ Ain't a thing in this world that can haunt me ♪ ♪ Brain dead, I'm a zombie ♪ Man: Coming up, we'll talk traffic and weather and what you can expect on your afternoon commute, but first, here's Charlotte Tennaboro with a special report Charlotte: And now, breaking news from Astoria, Queens, of another missing white woman Residents were shaken today as fliers went up picturing the victim Police are rounding up suspects and clues as the community waits in anguish
Oh, no ♪♪ Hi, um, news department, I guess? I'm calling about the missing woman in Queens Yeah, I-I'll hold Sure Charlotte: A mysterious turn in the disappearance of the white woman from Queens
Authorities have discovered that she was the fifth employee of Soulstice Gym to go missing in the last four years So police have re-opened those cases Shit She is being remembered tonight by friends and coworkers as a sweet, artistic cleaner with a heart of gold I was a trainer when I left
This is unbelievable Trey: We're still holding out hope that they find Abbi, but, in case they don't, we've lovingly renamed one of the bathrooms "Abbi's Room" Gemma: [ Whimpers ] Also, we — we've retired her plunger [ Sobbing ] No! She was my best friend [ Crying ] She was my lover! What? We were dating
What?! We were dating, yeah [ Sobs ] Inez: Go for Inez Oh, hi, uh, I, uh — I am calling about the missing girl Is she dead? Did you find her body? How many pieces? No, ew No, no — Okay
I'm, uh — I'm actually the missing girl I found her Hero time Get ready to go live Okay, uh, who has you? A gang? Are they Russian? Albanian? No, no, no, no, no
I-I'm just letting you know that this has been a huge mistake I was never missing I'm — I-I'm fine I'm good Are you speaking in code right now? Laugh if you're really okay
[ Laughs uncomfortably ] Damn it Okay, we need another missing-girl story pronto -On it -Jesus But, uh, the fliers? It was for a sweatshirt, so
What? That doesn't make any sense Okay, i-it's a layout issue So, I made the flier for a missing sweatshirt from art school, and then now I see that it seems as though I was the missing one
Huh, a layout issue So I'm guessing you didn't finish art school Okay, my concentration was in illustration, not graphic design [ Dial tone ] Okay Great
[ Phone clicks ] [ Dial tone stops ] This Bitcoin look is patent leather for my impending patent I am Bitcoin, baby, yas Okay Can I help you with something? [ Chuckles ] Try to keep up, Brad Meet
[ Briefcase opens ] Phone Wigs We've got the Ross We've got the Rachel Going over here to the Lincoln Aww
Classic Abbi Aww Little Jaimé This time I shit myself — don't ask [ High-pitched voice ] and Bernadette Peters, bitch
T-These are phone cases? [ Scoffs ] [ Normal voice ] Brad, I'm sorry I can't go any slower Okay, Phone Wigs are a 21st century cultural phenomenon In an age where technology divides and isolates us, Phone Wigs give us the chance to feel comforted, to connect and humanize, and that — Look at me That is the basis of my wiz-ness
Wiz-ness My wiz-ness [ Shouting ] Wiz-ness! ♪♪ [ Groans ] ♪♪ Oh, my — ♪♪ [ Bell dings ] Hey, hey! Hey, we found your sweatshirt Oh, my gosh Someone saw it on the news and brought it back
Thank you so much I — I'm so sorry I've been telling everyone I pass by to boycott this place You did what? No, I'm kidding Prank! Please don't come back here You're a
bad person Hey, sir, you should have this What the fuck is this? Uh, it's a sweatshirt
It's actually a vintage sweatshirt with, like, the perfect amount of wear, so MICA? I don't want this shit! I went to RISD Uh
It's too hot out here I can't wear synthetics Okay
Well, I am — I am sorry, and, um, great I'm sorry [ Telephone ringing in distance ] Okay, you found your Bitcoin number on an old Fruit by the Foot Jathat you remember that I gave you for a Waka Flocka Flame ticket
Jaand you want to cash out that money today to get a patent for these Phone Wigs Chugots! [ Chuckles ] Finally It took long enough, my Brad Now gimme the loot
Gimme the loot Uh, you could learn how to communicate better Rude Anyway $8,265 has been transferred to your account
Yes! The Internet is my forking god! Whoo! Yeah, yeah Whoa, whoa, whoa Yeah, yeah! Hey, come on, now Oh, my God Come on
Grow up What are you, 26 now? I'm 27 And what are you, like, a hot, ripped, uncut 50-year-old? 47 Okay, fine I just mean that we had sex when I was 21
That's gross You grow up, maybe Okay, that's fair But I was going through a divorce then, and I was in a reallyinsecure place, and having sex with someone younger boosted my self-esteem a little
Oh I mean, I'm in an age-appropriate relationship now That's reallygood — good for you Yeah, her name's Marie And I think you'd really like her Okay, that's cool You're cool
You're good [ Laughs ] It was great to see you Great So long Uh, Phone Wigs
Oof All: No more Bitcoin! No more Bitcoin! Jesus, it's hot out now? Who dis? Man: Bitcoin sucks! Yes, what are we protesting today, huh? Bitcoin, because it's killing the Earth! [ Stammers ] What? It's paperless Oh, you know, Bitcoin has to be mined by thousands of computers 24/7 It's a huge waste of energy because of all the servers it's using [ Exhales sharply ] And it's the pedophile's currency of choice
Oh, it is? Fueling the child-sex-trade industry and dominating the illegal-arms world Is it hot — hot out to you? Well, you can thank Bitcoin for that, 'cause it's contributing to climate change, so you're feeling the effects Bitcoin is killing the Earth! Totally killing the Earth! Good luck with your protest Mm Okay, so, be honest
Do I have to donate that $8,000? I know Bitcoin is evil, but it's, like, no more evil than paper money It's also like, what about eating meat? [ Groans ] I mean, the meat industry is the biggest contributor to climate change I mean way more than Bitcoin Do you know that the fashion industry burns the remainder of its clothes at the end of every season to retain its value? Mountains of clothes on fire Yeah, not to mention that it's all made by little children
[ Scoffs ] You know recycling's a fuckin' hoax You really scrubbing out my udon containers and peeling the labels off and melting the plastic down to re-form them into new udon containers? Oh, dude, Garbage Island is real Mother Earth is like, "Noooo! Noo!" And we're like, "No, bitch, die, bitch!" It's awful Yeah Why is the news not covering this 24/7? Don't even get me started on the news
The news is like — Like, the news is — Like, hey, guys, hey, maybe focus on, like, important issues Honestlylike re– like, recycling instead of latching on to some stupid but really understandable layout issues on fliers Like, what? Yeah What? Also, we are being listened to
Pbhtall the time Ehh Anything that we do on social media for free, we pay for through our experience We are just "data
" Whew, I feel so much better Thank you so much Oh, my God Plus, dude, I swear, dudette, derd, I honestly vow, her and nerr, okay? Do you know this is, like, an ancient Jewish symbol? This is, like, a Jewish thing It's like a mystical, tribal Jewish — Hold on
Just say the thing Oh, um, just that I'm gonna follow through and honestly put this money into my Phone Wigs patent I — I'm gonna be investing in a woman-owned wiz-ness, and that's gonna tip the scales of progress And it uses biodegradable materials Human hair! Ugh, I love that
I legit love my Phone Wig It's so cute So cute Okay, so, it says here that if patent leather has gotten stuck or adhered to your skin or body, the best way to get it off is lubricant So, I mean, we could try again with almond oil
Feh Abbi could be chopped into a million pieces! Stop thinking about yourself! [ Crying ] I loved her You understand? You loved her? Yes! Jesus Christ, I loved her I loved her I loved her more
I loved you [ Sobs ]
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